Freehold Iowa - Members of Landover Baptist's Kidwell family mourned the passing of Grandpa Langston Kidwell Sr., last Sunday afternoon. Langston attended morning services at Landover's main sanctuary during a weekend visit to his extended family's Christian home in Apostles Grove. Before even being allowed to purchase a $49 family discount ticket to church, he passed extensive background checks and the mandatory pre-worship cavity search for visiting parishoners. By all appearances, Mr. Langston Kidwel appeared at first to be a perfectly normal human being.

At a press conference late Sunday evening, Pastor Deacon Fred told reporters, "We don't stand for indecent behavior or horseplay during Landover Baptist Church services. I don't care how old a person is, if they get up out of their seat when I'm preaching, and start acting like a fool, there will be a price to pay." In the case of Mr. Kidwell, Pastor Deacon Fred recalled, "The Holy Ghost living inside of me made it plain and clear that the old coot was chock full of demons! And when the Holy Ghost says, 'JUMP!' boy - you'd better JUMP!" Mr. Kidwell was accidentally bludgeoned to death by Pastor Deacon Fred and 14 Deacons who were trying to beat the demons out of him in uncontrollable Holy Ghost rage of pure Christian love.

Landover Baptist Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards, who performed Mr. Kidwell's autopsy, told reporters that church policy did not require Baptist security officers to report any funny sounding secular diseases, that might pop up during background checks on visiting parishioners. "You see," said Dr. Edwards, "Jesus Christ teaches us in the Holy Bible that all diseases are caused by Satan. Secular doctors are just making up fancy new names for things so they can keep people demon possessed and hooked up to machines by making them think they have some important disease. As far as God is concerned, it's all demons. And in Grandpa Kidwell's case, his flailing body and violent fit during Pastor's sermon, was like Satan just begging to get whacked over the head and pelted with Bibles." Dr. Edwards cut a hole in Mr. Kidwell's stomach and drained out all of his internal organs, and then removed his brain. The demon infected items were then placed them in a clear vat of formaldehyde and shipped to the Creation Science Laboratory for further research. "I don't know how long demons can survive in formaldehyde, but it sure will be interesting to find out," said Dr. Edwards After Grandpa's body was cleaned out and disinfected, Edwards stuffed it with hog entrails and old newspapers and sewed it back up so it could be returned to family members for a decent burial somewhere off of church property.

When secular doctors and enemies of Christ from Des Moines got wind of the incident a few days later, they hired detectives to investigate. But by the time detectives reached the Landover campus, the entire case had been tried and dismissed. "Once our Jewish lawyers heard them secular doctors mention the word, epilepsy, they went right to work," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "This is the only case I know of that was solved by using versions of the Bible other than the KJV 1611," said Brother Harry Hardwick. "Most of us were not aware that scholars today now agree that the word, 'lunatic' in the KJV 1611 really means epilepsy. Frankly, we don't even care, but apparently it was an important factor in deciding this case."

Landover Baptist lawyers argued that Pastor Deacon Fred and his fellow Deacons were practicing their religious faith, and Mr. Kidwell's death was just an accident. They used multiple passages from the New Testament where Jesus insisted that people who were physically or mentally sick were simply possessed by demons. In particular, they used Matthew 17:15-20 where Jesus specifically stated that epilepsy is nothing more than demon possession. "Pastor was obeying God and was trying to help Mr. Kidwell by doing everything in his power to get rid of the demons that had infested his body," said one lawyer. "Their mustard seed faith apparently prevailed, because the only way to cure this particular type of demon, unless you are Jesus Christ Himself, is to kill the host." The lawyers also argued that Pastor and his Deacons were controlled by the Holy Spirit who lives inside of them, and that they had no power over a good spirit that was using their bodies to attack evil spirits. The Christian jury and judge were so impressed with the arguments, they suggested that Landover Baptist enact a church policy whereby all those who are diagnosed with epilepsy not be allowed within 100 square miles of church property.