Idol Worship in Prime Time | A Special Report

Freehold Iowa -  The results are in.  Americans love to worship idols.  They don't seem to care if a nancy-boy from England, a washed up 80's pop star, and a member of the Jackson family,  are organizing Wednesday evening worship services in their living rooms either.  As long as they don't have to lift their unsaved butts off their couches and go to church, they don't care a lick.   While the entire world is on the brink of nuclear war, it seems all anyone can talk about these days is their favorite idol from the new television series, American Idol.  It's a different story for True Christian™ families living in the United States though.  While most Americans pick who to worship each Wednesday evening from a list of 97 pound teenage sluts and high school dropouts on their TV screen, Christians instead are still picking Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, as their favorite deity.  

Last Wednesday, Landover Baptist officials found out what happens to Christian families who skip Wednesday evening church services and succumb to the lure of FOX television's carefully packaged form of idol worship.  "The last thing I remember was coming home from Ladies Bible Study on Wednesday evening and walking into my living room to find my entire family in a trance," recalls Sister Grace Neubert. "They were huddled in front of the television set, watching American Idol, a program Pastor warned us about." What happened next, was beyond Mrs. Neubert's control. "She became so overwhelmed with the power of the Holy Ghost that things happened very quickly," said officer Crenshaw, the first Baptist police officer to arrive at the scene. "My guess is that God took complete control of her body and used it as a vessel to do His will." It wasn't until an hour later when Mrs. Neubert was standing in her driveway, covered in blood, holding what remained of her 5-year-old daughter's torso, surrounded by police officers, watching her house burn to the ground, that God relinquished possession of her body."

"These sort of cases are popping up in a few Christian homes around the country," said Pastor Deacon Fred the following Sunday. "We know that American Idol was created by Satan and some English homo to help fill the God-shaped void in unsaved people's lives and keep them sedated until Jesus comes back and tosses them all into Hell.  Well, the real trouble seems to come when our jealous God catches Christian families who decide to sit down in front of their TV sets and start worshipping the latest false god being showcased on American Idol."

Since Jesus teaches Christians in Matthew 5:18 "Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law" His followers are obligated to use the whole Bible in making decisions that affect their daily lives. The word of God makes it plainly clear that His followers are commanded to kill anyone who tries to entice them into following a false god (Deuteronomy 13:6-11). As part of the freedom to practice religion in the United States of America, members of the Landover Baptist Church are free to kill any other church member or immediate family member who is guilty of committing idolatry. "We are directly disobeying God, by not following his commandment to kill those who would try to entice us into worshipping false gods," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Since some of us are too yellow-bellied to do God's will,  He was forced to come down here and take control over someone like Mrs. Neubert and do it Himself. Of course, the old bat was probably too deaf to hear God's sweet, still-soft voice whispering, kill! kill! KILL!"

"We can all learn something from this incident," said Brother Harry Hardwick. "We've been lack on following many of God's commandments because we let our feelings get in the way of our love and commitment to God's word.  These are the last days my friends, and God isn't calling you to sit around and let Satan run the show!   The Devil is using people like Paula Abdul to rot your brain and appeal to your carnal desires!    American Idol has no business being broadcast into a Christian home!   You need to understand that no matter how beautiful and lovely those teenage harlots on the TV show are, they all burn the same as anyone else who doesn't worship Jesus!  

It was originally thought that the FOX Television Network was a Christian organization because of their unbiased news reporting, but since last year's release of American Idol, the Landover Baptist Board of Deacons had to rethink their position on allowing the network to be broadcast into the Landover Baptist Community. "FOX was the last good thing left in this godless country since the McCarthy administration," Pastor Deacon Fred remarked, "With this latest incident, it just goes to show you that Satan has no shame. He's got his pointy little red fingers into everything!"

The Board of Deacons voted unanimously on Sunday to block the hour long broadcasts of American Idol.  The network will be brought back up after each show. "People are willfully turning to false gods in these last days," said Pastor Deacon Fred.  "Since we know that our God is very insecure and gets upset whenever anyone picks another god or idol to worship, we taking every precaution necessary to save Christian lives from His jealous wrath - and from any of us who is put in a position where we actually have to obey his Word." 

 

 

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