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February 2001
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 Last month,
Mr. and Mrs. Harold Greenspawn were publicly rebuked and thrown out of
Landover Baptist Church (once their tithes were brought current) when it
was discovered that they had gone to Satan's Retreat, a notorious so-called
"swingers club" in Des Moines. "It makes my flesh crawl to think about
what goes on in big, godless cities," Pastor Skipwell told the congregation,
after spitting on the sinners. "But I never would have thought Sodom's
purulent tentacles would have reached amongst God's favorite people here
at Landover. But I should have known that that harlot Theresa Greenspawn
was up to the Devil's business. Week after week, I saw her sit right there
on that front pew – never wearing a stitch of underpanties! Not once! I
tell you, it was hard for me every day, getting through my sermon having
to look between the legs of that syphilitic tramp!"
Once the news of the Greenspawns' shame spread, seven members of the Ladies of Landover became alarmed by Mrs. Greenspawn's unseemly talk of actually finding pleasure while being subjected to the inconvenience of providing sexual satisfaction to men. "There may as well be a sign on the narrow road to Heaven that says: "If you yield, you may as well exit," opined Mrs. Betty Bowers. "Once enjoyment poisons the godly subjection to such an ungodly – and messy – act, you may as well have all your help change your yellow bug lights to red lights because, whether you like it or not, you have become the town whore." In response to concerns about who else from their church might be frequenting Satan's Retreat, seven members of the Ladies of Landover arranged to visit the club last weekend, pretending to be new members. "What concerned me," said Sister Taffy "was the thought that I might be sitting in church next to one of those tramps. I have, of course, always Lysoled my pew before service, but I am not sure if that works on chlamydia." While the Christian women were paying their $10 entrance fee at the door of Satan's Retreat, things got off to a potentially rocky start when Judy O'Christian was brusquely told that it was 20 extra for men. "Rather than risk a scene," recounts Sister Taffy, "I slipped the tramp at the door a $20 and ushered Judy in before she was aware of the slight." Once the ladies got inside, they spent approximately thirty minutes quietly going from room to room, covertly seeing if they recognized anyone. The ladies were trying to be unobtrusive, but almost blew their cover when Judy O'Christian reproved a woman on a mattress for talking with her mouth full. "She was surrounded by men who slotted into her every opening like a bunch of Legos," recalled Mrs. O'Christian. "It was deplorable," added Mrs. Betty Bowers. "While I reluctantly admired her limber dexterity, a true Christian lady always gives a gentleman her undivided attention." Recounting what she observed as she walked through several rooms full of naked people, Sister Taffy said: "You need to understand, we are all Christian women. We have only ever been with our husbands. And we saw some eye opening -- to say the least -- things in there. In fact, I certainly have some honesty issues I need to take up with my hubby. I mean, unless he's gone metric on me, someone has been less than forthcoming about what is 'big.' I mean, let's just say, we've all been around credit cards all our lives. We know when something is bigger than three inches without having to pull out a tape measure!" Once five church members had been identified, Judy O'Christian went from room to room with her Nikon camera creating evidence. Sister Taffy followed with a deafening scripture rebuke from her bullhorn -- directly into the ears of people still startled by Judy's 500-watt flash. The crowd of naked swingers turned belligerent after the remaining righteous ladies went from mattress to mattress, using both hands to spray mace in every available opening. "I took Mrs. House off to a quiet corner just before the macing," recalled 81-year-old Helen Floribunda, "to rebuke her – and also ask her how she was able to do that shimmying thing she did with her pelvis." "I mean to tell you, after we went through with the mace, pepper spray and stun guns, those harlots and whore-hoppers was screaming like demons in Hell!" recounted 72-year-old Mrs. Witherspoon. The wails of the fornicators were only subdued when Heather Hardwick moved through the building to begin "Operation Christian Hostess." Mrs. Hardwick had arrived with a hostess tray carrying nine Port wine cheese balls. Hidden inside each cheese ball was a canister of tear gas she had appropriated from her husband's End Times arsenal. As Heather entered each room with her tray, she voraciously ate her way through the cheese, revealing a stainless steel canister, which she dropped in a corner of each room. "I knew I only had a couple minutes before each canister went off, so I had to eat fast," recalled Heather. "They certainly were delicious. They were loaded with smoked almonds. And, honestly, it never occurred to me that three of them were mustard gas until we returned to Freehold and saw the news." "It was quite a night," said Mrs. Floribunda. "We sure showed them fornicators the price of messing with Jesus' love! Praise! Apparently, Pastor had had the same idea cause we saw him in the 'passion maze.' Now, I am just a woman, so it is not my place to question a man, but I did think that Pastor Skipwell might have gone a little far to blend in. We all rushed to the next room to avert our eyes. Lord have mercy!"
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