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February 2001
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 FREEHOLD
IA-- Satan got cyber-slammed this week when Landover Baptist hackers raided
over 300 of America's most explicit "special interest" pornography websites.
81-year-old Helen Floribunda, group leader for the 17 hackers recruited
for the "Scat and Golden Shower" team, recounted: "With the Sword of Christ,
my 15-year-old grandson Gil would break into a site and then the rest of
us would do the Lord's work on their possessed server." Mrs. Floribunda's
team would then transfer usernames, passwords and all credit card information
to optical disks. "We would then download all those nasty pictures – Lord
knows you wouldn't believe some of what we saw! – and place pictures of
Bibles over the naughty parts – there was some folks that needed a whole
shelf of Good Books – add some words of Scripture and upload them back
onto the demon's server before anyone knew what hit them."
For the first time ever, decent Christians were able to get into the most notoriously pornographic sites and bring Christ's Good News to pictures of shocking depravity. Mrs. Florence Jenkins, 63, team captain of the "Animal Husbandry" brigade crowed: "Next time some unchristian pervert goes looking for a GIF of a donkey doing what he oughtn't, the words of our Precious Savior will flash across his screen and lead him out of darkness. Jesus will touch him before he can even touch himself!" A separate room was set up for the Ladies of Landover to run through the subscriber lists and credit card information. Each subscriber received a phone call to their home with a heartfelt rebuke and a $29.95 recurring charge for Jesus. "If they can afford to waste that kind of money on trash not fit for human eyes," said volunteer-hacker Mrs. Pauline Germann, 57, "they can certainly afford to help us with some new slate tiles for the middle-school roof." It is worth noting that a careful review of the downloaded subscriber lists to pinkystinky.com, Niggapussy.com and ClittyTorture.Com led to the immediate expulsion of 48 church members and the firing of Pastor's secretary, Mrs. Hawthorne." The captain of the "Thai Boys" team reported that over 20 of the raunchiest adult websites that were hacked where thrown offline – to the cheers of Christians gathered around 142 monitors set up in Landover's Christian Convention Center. "Christians were jamming up the lines with so much network traffic downloading images, it blew out 10 servers," Pastor Deacon Fred noted with pride. "I tell, you we was hopping for Jesus when each one came crashing down! Praise the Lord!" Several of the teenage boys recruited because of their computer expertise disclosed in vivid detail the startling facts about what they had witnessed as soon as they managed to break through firewalls and security coding. "Gosh, unsaved folks are like really into bestiality and stuff," Jerry Jordon, 16, said. "They call it farm sex just to make it sound like it might be 'OK' but it was amazing." One hacker reported that he had viewed over 10,000 photos in almost 15 hours of continuous downloadings. "I really lost count after downloading 100 series of pics. I had to empty the web cache ten times in order to keep doing the Lord's work," he said. "We were supposed to download the images and modify them with the good news that everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus is going to hell, but I just kept thinking to myself, 'if God could allow me to permanently remove these pictures from the internet and store them on my hard drive, nobody would ever be able to see them, and I could eventually delete them when I was sure I had enough." Church pastors and deacons around the country were amazed at how professional and effective the Landover Baptist "Wake Up America" campaign had been. "It was nice to see True Christians take a stand for morality and decency," said Reverend Jerry Falwell during his guest spot as a referee on the Jerry Springer Show. "And I certainly appreciated the list of AMEX numbers that the Lord called me to look to as an eager well for thirsty tithes. It comforts me to know that every dollar that goes to my ministry will be one less dollar some poor lost soul will have to spend on the Devil's filth." "This was a class act operation," said Brother Harry Hardwick. "I had a pastor friend of mine in Des Moines tell me that one gentleman in his congregation had even organized the photos and videos into neat little folders with the names of each sin on top." There are reports coming in from all over that church-goers are sending millions of photos through e-mail and posting them in newsgroups just to give fellow brothers and sisters the upper hand in dismantling Satan's plans. "If one person looking for pornographic pictures is confronted with the message of Christ and gets saved, the Bible tells us that angels in heaven will rejoice," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "I know of at least 1,200 instances where our righteous computer whizzes replaced the pornographic image of bare, naked breasts with the wholesome image of Jesus Christ writhing and bleeding on a cross. Praise!"
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18 |
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Our Christian hackers permanently plastered this Godly button on over 10,000 adult websites!
