National News From a True Christian Perspective

The nation's 33,347,718 Negroes took enough time away from filling out lottery tickets Monday to file a class action lawsuit against Disney, parent company of ABC, which broadcasts the wildly successful "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" The crux of their complaint is that the program discriminates against blacks by asking questions only people with an education could be expected to understand, much less answer. 

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of the nation's black brethren by the National Association for the Progress and Promotion of Indigenous Ethiopians. NAPPIE's president, Rufus R. "Off The Hook" Jones, spoke to the media last Friday. "Isn't it enough that the White Man has excluded the brothers from the stock market by making stocks so hard to steal without being a notary? And now we have this racist game show that only give money to white folks. That is downright cruel since everyone know that showing a way to get lots of cash without working is like catnip to the brothers! They are going crazy. This show is a deliberate attempt by ABC to exclude blacks from participating in one of the few avenues they have for making money – luck. There ain't a brother or sister in the audience or on contestant row. That show is more lilly white than the audience at a Utah Jazz basketball game."

"It's all part of the giant honkie conspiracy," reported Bula "Freak" LaWanda Jackson, counsel for NAPPIE. "First, they exclude our actors from good roles – except the guys who get chased after killing Korean liquor store owners on them real-life cops shows on FOX. And now they have this show that penalizes folks that made the career decision to leave the 7th grade to rob. That ain't right."

The Reverend Al Sharpton, NAPPIE's honorary spokesperson, provided examples. "The otha' night, I said the otha' night, they had a querstion which asked which sport would have participants performin' a axel, a lutz and a salchow," bellowed Sharpton in a voice that threatened to unrelax his hair. "The answer, it turns out, was figure skating. Who the hell watches figure skating but rich white women and fairies? There hasn't been a black American involved in figure skating since Debbie Thomas, and that Bel Air-bred bitch is about as black as that high-yellow-left-his-Nubian-Queen-for-a-scrawny-white-ho, Bryant Gumbel."

"They asked what something called a ‘thespian' be," continued Sharpton. "I thought the answer was a female homo – you know, the kind of bitch in them 'Dirty Black Debutante Hos' videos that always got that freakazoid ‘friend' and that gets horny on the kitchen table and don't mind if the TV repair man watch. But that turn out not to be the answer. If I can't get no answer right, how could they expect a brother from Compton to be down wid it? You know what I'm sayin'?" Sharpton also complained about the most recent million dollar winning question, which asked how far the Sun is from the Earth. "Now, this be a perfect examplification of how they got this European bias in that Who Wanna Be a White Millionaire Show. You know damn well they was measuring the distance of the Earth to the Sun from Europe, not Africa, just so they make sho the brothas gets it wrong!"

Within 45 minutes of hearing that the lawsuit had been filed, Jesse Jackson rushed to the courthouse steps to flag down local news affiliates and any tourist with a camcorder. When Mrs. Larry Hoshkins from Billings inadvertently turned on the Sony VHS-C her son had given her five years ago for Christmas, seeing the red light, the Reverend immediately removed a speech from his $2,400 Italian suit and began to speak: "For too LONG, LONG, LONG, the black Man has been WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. When will it END? Who is to BLAME? This new show of GAME! When will Regis stop trying to PENALIZE, MENIALIZE, DESPISE, AND BELITTLISE every black man in this free NATION? Does ABC stand for Always Be CAUCASIAN? If the answer is RIGHT, you must be WHITE! Regis is a TRAVESTY! Racism is almost as evil as Kathy LEE. A game should be about LUCK! Not knowledge for stuff no one gives a __" Before Jackson had finished all his rhymes, he received a call from his secretary. She told the Reverend there was a controversy on Lexington Avenue, and while she didn't have any idea what it was about, it would be carried nationally live by Peter Jennings. Upon hearing this, the Reverend dropped his speech and rushed to his waiting limousine. The Reverend's car took out a police barricade, a liberal Jewess and a hot dog cart in his haste to make the live feed for World News Tonight.

NAPPIE's lawsuit is apparently motivated by ABC's refusal to use questions NAPPIE submitted to the network several months ago by certified letter. Landover Baptist News obtained a copy of the letter from a church janitor who is a member of NAPPIE and who, shortly after revealing his membership in such a subversive organization, was promptly fired. The list included the following questions, which NAPPIE represents will equalize "Millionaire" and move society closer to King's ultimate dream where all the prize money would be free at last. (The correct answers are underlined in black.)
 

On average, how many seeds are in a watermelon quarter?
A. 20 B. 26 C. 32 D. 34

In what year did Popeye's introduce its spicy chicken variety?
A. 1930 B. 1960 C. 1979 D. 2001

Which stores feature the most productive looting in a riot?
A. Grocery B. Hardware C. Electronics D. Clothes

Where will you find the largest crowds in Harlem?
A. The Apollo Theater B. A pawn shop C. A fist fight
D. Food stamp office

Possession will get you:
A. 1 to 3 B. 5 to 10 C. 25 to life D. High

The best way to get cash for a malt liquor from white folks is:
A. Pretend you just ran out of gas and need $5 to get home to your 13 children;
B. Pretend you are a war veteran who needs the $5 for a warm meal;
C. Pretend you want it for soap and a wash cloth;
D. Pretend your gun is loaded.

A Volkswagen Jetta radio has
A. Not enough volume because you can still hear folks talk in the back seat
B. Is so wack the woofers are less than two basketballs across;
C. Is among the easiest to dismantle from beneath a dashboard;
D. The best price at most chop-shops in town.

Reaction from Landover pastors was swift and harsh. "It's just another attempt by those people to defy God's plan and make them something they aren't," noted Pastor Ebeneezer Smith. "They won't be happy until they're white." Pastor Deacon Fred observed: "If they're going to try to change that show, then Christians should as well. Right now, the questions are all secular, which is just another word for Satanic. They have science questions based on theories and data which are completely disproved by the Bible."

Reverend Harry Hardwick was equally critical. "Every God-fearing, saved American should boycott ABC (which, not surprisingly, is just a subsidiary of homo-loving Disney) until all the questions are Christian and come straight from the KJV Bible. Landover could submit plenty of questions. Why, just the ‘Who begat whom' questions could fill several years of episodes. And I wonder how those activists will feel when Regis asks the contestant about the curse of Ham – when Ham saw his drunken father, Noah, naked, and Noah cursed Ham and his descendants to be servants of mankind forever. Everyone who reads the Bible knows that Noah cursed Ham and his descendants to be servants of mankind, not game show winners."

 

 

---

---