Landover Baptist | Where the Worthwhile Worship. Unsaved Unwelcome.

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WAR ON CHRISTMAS CASUALTY REPORT:
Santa Claus Clings to Life After Brutal Horsewhipping by Angry Children! "When ambulances arrived almost two hours later, a crowd of cheering church members had already shown up. I'm told that each of them had a Godly opportunity to kick and spit on that fat old devil's troll!" Full Story!>

MRS. BETTY BOWERS
Battle Report From the War on Christmas!
Read the dispatch from the front lines of America's War on Christmas from America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers. Click Here

NATIVITY PLAY NIGHTMARE:
Baby Jesus Leaps From Manger, Hurls Wet Donkey Manure Into Faces of Shocked Audience! "You mark my words, next year the we'll double baby Jesus' meds so His holy Valium won't wear off until after the last curtain call!" Read More!>

Does God Approve of Our Yuletide Rituals? Take out your Bible to find all the shocking answers to our new holiday Christmas Quiz! Read More!>

God's Top 20 Holiday Gifts For Unsaved People Browse and purchase the Lord's most popular holiday gifts for unsaved trash in our incredible gift shop.
Read More!>

Santa Claus: The Devil's Favorite Disguise! Learn the truth about Santa Claus! Do unsaved kids deserve any gifts on Jesus' Birthday? Why in God's name is Kwaanza considered a holiday?
Get Informed!>

Thousands of Holiday Gift Ideas are on sale now in the Landover Baptist Store!

FOR KIDS ONLY!
Accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Get a Free Playstation 3!
An extended, limited time offer, exclusively from the Landover Baptist Church! Read More!>

FROM THE VAULTS:
Lucifer's Toy Chest
If one of these items is found in your home, then you'll have to find yourself another place to worship, for you are no longer welcome at this Godly church. Click Here

Creation Scientists Trace Origin of Little Red Puppets to the Lake of Fire "In our initial research, we found that upon tickling Elmo between its legs, or its hind side, it begins to squirm and contort its bestial body into lewd sexual positions." Read More!>

Previous Newsletters:
November 2006 Newsletter
October 2006 Newsletter
September 2006 Newsletter
August 2006 Newsletter
July 2006 Newsletter
June 2006 Newsletter

Reader Mail!
100% Genuine E-mails sent directly to Landover Baptist from millions of concerned citizens. Read!>

Landover Baptist Christmas Cards! Jesus is the Reason for the Season: And Also the Reason You are Going Straight to Hell!! More!>

Baptist Sexuality
Satan is making your soft, inviting body HIS business! Stop his wandering red claws from tickling your True Christian™ fancy! More!>

We have a permanent injunction against all unsaved persons. If you are unsaved, you are not allowed within a 10-mile radius of our church, nor are you allowed on this website. Kindly leave, and be about the Devil's business, for you are not welcome here. Glory!

If you are interested in getting saved, and you are not joking around about it just to upset us, we ask you kindly to click on this link and we'll help you get started on processing your eternal security certification right away!

MAY GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Search Landover Baptist's Archives by subject below, or click here to be taken to the Pearly Archive Gateway!

Action Alerts
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Bible Quizzes
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Demon Possession
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Halloween
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Homersexurals
Movie Reviews
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Thanksgiving
Allah's Terrorists
Easter

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Time Warner Books Presents - Welcome to Jesusland! The New Book From the Writers of landoverbaptist.org

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Merry Goddamned Christmas!

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