Mrs. Heather Hardwick discovered the satanic calling cards while taking her husband's best preaching jacket to the cleaners. "There was a half used bottle of Cockzilla penile enhancement tablets in his right pocket where he usually keeps his Lipitor," a still shaken Mrs. Hardwick told Pastor Deacon Fred.  "It is scary to think that horrid demons have run their hands through my wonderful husband's lined clothing like a grabby pack of streetwalkers and left something so disgusting.  I'm telling you, I haven't felt such revulsion since I reached into Dora Denkins' purse at church for a Lifesaver and ended up sliding my finger into the open end of a used condom." 

Mrs. Hardwick quickly discounted the fact that the pills may have been ordered by her husband.  "With his blessings of abundance in his waist, Harry hasn't seen his unmentionable area in years, so why would he worry about how big it is?  Goodness knows, I know I don't.  Besides, he knows the Lord Jesus doesn't go for all that crotch-medicine like Viagra.  When Jesus said his Peter was a rock, he was talking about a person, not a tallywacker!"