 NASA
To Place Christian Cross On Moon!
NASA officials have unveiled their $2.8 billion plan to put a cross
on the moon by 2004. Agency spokesman, Jerry Vanderblossom, states: “I
think this is an appropriate way to pay homage to the Creator of all things.
All our propulsion and trajectory calculations are worthless without Christ’s
blessings."
Full
Details>
Unarmed Student Shot in
the Head by a Jesus Puppet
In the puppet show, God was killing whole villages of first-borns,
when the Jesus puppet went off-scripture and started shooting...
Full
Story>
 Church
Wins Gold Organ In National Soul Winning Contest!
Pastor Deacon Fred explained, "We knew young children were more
susceptible to Baptist witnessing techniques. By focusing on youngsters,
we won the most souls in the shortest amount of time, thereby securing
the gold organ."
Get
The Full Story>
Actor Playing Jesus Accidentally
Crucified in This Year's Passion Play
"I did wonder why he didn't rise from the dead at the end like Jesus
did last year," his wife remarked, "but I just figured that they were trying
to change the story a bit to keep everyone's attention.
Full
Story>
 "Women
Probably Don't Have Souls"
To the shock of lady church goers, Creation Scientist and Bible Genius,
Dr. Fred Neiman, announced, "The absence of either salvation or condemnation
for women finds extensive support in the Word of God."
Read
The Bible Facts>
 Unsaved
Five Year Old's Body Dug Up, Relocated To Unmarked Grave
Gravediggers were summoned back to the lovely cemetery to reopen her
freshly covered plot, cart the corpse away in a wheelbarrow and sandblast
her name off the marble headstone.
Read
This Tragic Story>
Deacon Fred SAVES Atheists At Their Own Convention!
Hear the Real Audio file of Deacon Fred saving Atheists at their own Convention in Sin Francisco!
You won't believe your ears!
Listen To This Amazing Sermon!>
 Film
Review: Gladiator
Seen here, the gladiator fights the horned beast, Satan. This being
a Hollywood movie, Satan wins, as usual. America's Best Christian, Mrs.
Betty Bowers, reviews.
Christian
Movie Review Here>
Notice
To Church Members:
Trespassers Will Be Shot On
Sight!
Note that all current ID cards will
expire on the June 30th. All Landover Baptist members must have records
including, but not limited to, photo, fingerprint, and DNA scan no later
than June 25 in order to access the Landover Compound. Members trying to
access any church owned and/or operated facility without proper ID are
subject to execution just like trespassers. Membership ID booths are located
in the East and South Wings of the Billy Sunday Repository Building every
Wednesday and Friday from 12-8pm for your convenience. Mastercard/Visa
accepted. |
 |
 DESPITE
HATING THE RIGHT PEOPLE, CARDINAL CALLED TO HELL
New York,
NY--While the death of an unsaved Catholic is never cause for sorrow, this
one at least accepted God's hatred of those who sin.
Get
The Whole Story>
 UNSAVED
IDIOTS SUE BAPTIST INSURANCE COMPANY
Freehold, IA-- Catholics, non-Baptist
Protestants and other non-Christians sued Landover Life Insurance Company
last Tuesday. The crux of their complaint is that the insurer charges higher
premiums for non-Landover members. The company answered the lawsuit by
explaining that its premiums are based on Christian actuarial tables. They
stated, "As True Christians, we base everything on the Bible and that includes
Old Testament life expectancies. Therefore, our policies are written for
an average life expectancy of about 247 years. We are willing to take the
losses from Godly folks not always making it to 969 like Methuselah, but
we are not about to take on the risk of insuring folks God has it out for.
We will not be in the business of rewarding the damned."
LANDOVER MEMBERS SEEK
PART OF HUNT ESTATE
Freehold, IA--Mr. and Mrs. G. Reed,
bronze level Landover members, intervened in the long-standing probate
dispute over the estate of late industrialist, Howard Hunt. Under the terms
of Hunt's will, all living relatives of Mr. Hunt, no matter how far removed,
are to share in a portion of the gargantuan estate. Mr. Reed explained
the couple's claim: "According to the Bible, which we know is inerrant,
God violently killed all the sinners of the Earth, including the unborn
sinners, with a giant flood, leaving only Noah and his family alive. My
wife and I, along with Mr. Hunt, are descendants of Noah, hence we are
entitled to a share of the Hunt fortune." Pastors expect additional Landover
members to join the Reeds in the lawsuit.
LONG HAIRED FREAKY PEOPLE
NEED NOT APPLY!
Freehold, IA-- Students returning
home in search of summer work will be surprised to find Christian signs
placed in every window of every local business in Freehold Iowa. You are
welcome to apply for work, but you should know ahead of time... you will
not be hired until you learn to respect your God, your church, your community,
and yourself. Hair trimmed neatly over the ears, not touching the collar,
is acceptable for men. Jewelry on males will not be tolerated. If you don't
like it, try Des Moines. You are not welcome here.
DEMON
POSSESSED LIBERAL ARRESTED, JAILED
Freehold, IA-- Local police arrested
a man earlier this week for handing out
anti-Christian literature and talking
about evolution near church. He was taken into custody and will remain
behind bars in the Freehold County Jail until his October 2nd trial date.
JESUS
WILL SHOW UP SOONER OR LATER!
Freehold, IA-- "And when he does,"
PK Jimmy Stone told his unsaved uncle, "He is fry your good-for-nothing
unsaved butt in Hell while I sit up in Heaven and laugh!" |
