Dear Pastor,

Yesterday I saw a bunch of black kids hanging outside the Wal-Mart in South Central Des Moines. They were wearing their pants down below their waists. It looked to me and grandpa like they was trying to hide the big butts they got under the back of their shirts for shame's sake. Grandpa said they were trying to make their fannies look more Christian, you know? Real nice and flat like a white man's hiney.

Dear Andrew,

I am going to make this as simple as possible for you to understand.   Those black boys (like most black males) are not content with the way God made them.  Like your grandpappy observed, they sag their pants to deceive folks into thinking they are looking at a white man’s highly coveted flat posterior. The sagging trend started in prisons where black homosexuals wanted to make themselves more attractive to members of the Arian Brotherhood. You see, Andrew – the practice of "pants sagging" is rooted in the sin of sodomy. It eventually found its way into the Motown community. After that, "sagging," was handed down to rappers and young colorerd men who found a unique advantage in business and in their personal lives by sagging their pants in order to make their hind sides appear as flat as the annointed derrière of typical lily white True Christian™ male.

Andrew, folks who are unhappy with the way God made them are nothing new. Stories about people who try to gain God's favor even though He can't stand them, are found all throughout the Bible.   I want to share an example with you but you need to understand something before this gets leaked out onto the internet and misinterpreted by ignorant unsaved people.  We here at Landover Baptist are not racists.  We simply believe every word of the Bible is true.   As such,  we know those black boys are jealous of your hiney because they are descendents of Ham.  Ham, being one of Noah’s sons (and in fact the first Negro) ensured that all of his descendents were pre-ordained by God to be servants of mankind forever.  Now, Andrew – can you imagine what it would be like to be born knowing that no matter what you did, or how hard you tried, you’d always end up taking a back seat to God’s beautiful white skinned chosen ones?  Well, according to the Bible (Genesis 9:20-28) it’s a burden they have to bear.  It seems unfair but like we teach you in Sunday School, the darker the skin, the deeper the sin.  And that comes from old Ham, Noah’s son spending so much time lazing about up on the deck of that ark in the hot sun before he was cursed by God for staring at his drunk Daddy’s tallywhacker.

Andrew, I hope you find my answer uplifting and educational.   I’d like to conclude by reminding you of how important it is that we follow God’s word and let it guide us in our daily lives.  We are called upon to love colored folks in the particular way God suggests to and acknowledge them as servants of mankind. We understand their existence lends partial credence to the theory of evolution. But we know from the Holy Bible that people of color exist to assist and empower the lives of humans God actually created from dust and loves most of all. That just so happens to be folks like you and me who have been be blessed with white skin. A-men.

Sincerely,