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POLITICS
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Pastor Instructs Women
to Vote For Whomever Their Husband Tells Them to Vote For! Freehold,
Iowa - The Landover Baptist Board of Deacons voted to suspend the church's centuries-old ban
on lesser-sex voting rights for the most recent election. The decision
was reached after 10 hours of intense debate which often became personal
and angry. "This is the beginning of the end!" noted an exasperated
Brother Harry Hardwick when the board adjourned. "Granted, Landover's
gals know their place. But they're just females, and like all females,
they are irrational and prone to succumb to temptation! Handing them
a ballot is like handing Eve the fruit! Where will it end?
Next, they'll want to work outside the home, then in positions in which
they actually have authority over men. From there, they'll want to
engage in physical tasks like playing sports. The end result is they'll
be yammering all their silly ideas at church meetings and, God forbid,
demanding to be ministers. We might as well just ask Jesus to take
us now. I, for one, don't want to live in such an Apocalypse.
The Bible teaches
us that women don't even have souls! We're playing in the Devil's fire
with this decision!"
An exhausted Pastor Deacon Fred held a press conference in which he attempted to assuage the concerns of Landover's members. "This is not an end to the ban, just a temporary suspension. As soon as the November election is over, the old policy to disallow any broad in this church to cast a vote will be reinstated. I swear on the life of my beloved and long-suffering wife, Macel Deacon Fred!" The board issued a written statement, assuring Landover Baptist Church members this move is not designed to relinquish a woman's obligations to obey her husband and remain subordinate to all men, but rather to enhance Bible based obligations. "This measure gives gals no real power," the memo noted. "The measure requires ladies to vote for whomever their husband tells them. And all men of Landover are required to support a straight Tea Party Republican ticket. Pre-punched ballots will be provided to all gals so they won't have to worry about getting confused by the whole process, the poor little things! The real purpose of the measure is to ensure that we have as many people as we can voting Tea Party Republican. And since the liberal society in which we live views ladies on the same footing as men, we're going to exploit that and use it against them! All gals are required to register to vote in Iowa and in any state in which their husbands own property," said Pastor. "If your wife has any questions, just say - It's for Sarah - you are doing it for Sarah! I promise you, they will put their empty brains on hold and join you! Just trust me on this!" The board's memorandum concluded by instructing all female members to take their places at the back of the line at all polling places and refrain from voting until all men had cast their ballots.
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