Friends in Christ, as usual our church has assumed the leadership role on an important matter involving our nation’s children, not to mention the integrity of Christian values.  We have declared March to be the annual month of mourning for all the zygotes sinfully and spontaneously aborted in women’s bodies.  Yes, women are so wicked, with so little regard for human life, they become automated abortion machines.  Friends, I know you’re puckered out from all the crying you've forced yourself to do in public in the wake of the earthquake extermination of voodoo practitioners.  And I know you still remember having to cry over Katrina's carnage of the Creole city's coloreds, as well as the tsunami's slaying of slant-eyed Southeast sinners.  But this time you’re actually going to have to shed real tears! Because the disaster I am talking about today is the largest of them all!  More young children have died in miscarriages than in all the wars and natural disasters in human history combined!  Every day, for each baby dropped into the dumpster out back behind Planned Parenthood, a thousand more are unceremoniously plopped into the commode at home!

Some of you look disinterested, and that is precisely the appearance we must avoid!  As devout, fundamentalist, evangelical Southern Baptist Christians, we believe with all our hearts that all sin is evil, with no one sin being worse than any other.  Except, of course, for homosexuality and abortion.  Those are the worst sins of all, so sinful Jesus could never stomach even mentioning them.  Even those hell-bound, idol-worshipping Catholics in the Vatican will excommunicate a politician speaking in favor of abortion rights long before they’d excommunicate a fascist who slaughtered millions of Hebrews.   Abortion is murder, pure and simple, because life begins at conception.  Now, you just ignore those secularist doctors who universally agree that conception doesn't actually occur when a husband screams "Oh, baby!" If that were true, the morning after pill wouldn’t be murder, and we’ve spent far too much money campaigning against that Satanic tablet to backtrack now. Instead, we must believe  Creation Science doctors who say the minute the husband rolls over and starts to snore, a human life has been created.  So, when a doctor terminates a pregnancy, he and the willing mother are committing murder regardless of whether the baby is a one-celled zygote with no human features or something waiting to become a one-celled zygote with no human features.

Landover Baptist has been at the forefront of trying to get Christians to show they are serious in believing life begins at conception.  Most Christians’ actions haven’t matched their words.  For instance, most Christians celebrate a child’s life based on the day their child was born, meaning the day he broke his way through his mother’s unmentionable (and messy) orifice.  That is completely inconsistent with the belief that life begins at conception or, again, to be more accurate, the minute sex concludes.  Our church has proposed that, for celebrations of age, birthdays be changed to conception days, notwithstanding the hysteria of some of our wives that this will make them nearly a year older.

While our Christian brethren refuse to practice what they preach, we must go further.  We must celebrate and mourn the billions of lives that have been lost in abortion – spontaneous abortion.  Now, some of you may think we needn’t do that because those deaths didn’t involve murder.  But the mourning of a human life should not be based on whether the loss was by accident or design. Does a parent not weep for a child killed accidentally by a drunk driver as much as one shot in his pj’s by an intruder? We mourn the victims of natural disasters even though the dead were not intentionally killed by any humans.  Granted, we know God is probably behind a lot of these disasters.  Just like Pat Robertson , we can certainly envision reasons that God would jump at the chance to kill the poor, plasma-TV-stealing coloreds and bead-wearing deviants in New Orleans, the Jesus-rejecting Orientals of Southeast Asia and the "sold their souls to the devil" Haitians.  

At the very least, we should certainly mourn our own children’s deaths, while being mindful not to second-guess a Lord who clearly wanted them dead.  Many, if not most, of the married couples in this church have lost a child to the wildly popular at-home abortion procedure called "miscarriage," whether or not the wives actually told their husbands.  At least one in four known pregnancies ends in miscarriage and countless pregnancies never discovered (or reported) end in early miscarriage. This amounts to at least one to two million dead babies a year in this country. Gentlemen, interrogate your wives after church.  If you are aware, or become aware, of a miscarriage, you must mourn that child!  Not only was he your baby, he is destined for hell since he never reached the age at which He understood who Jesus is, thus he could not have asked Christ to take over his life as his personal Lord and Savior.  But even though hell-bound, he is still your son. Prepare a grave for him and put a tombstone over it so your whole family can mourn there.  Of course, since the child was never saved, that gravesite will not be allowed in Landover Baptist's Saved Souls Christian Cemetery.

Since life begins at conception (or, actually, when the male is sexually satisfied) millions of babies in this country, and tens of millions of babies worldwide, die every single year in miscarriages.  The number of miscarriages dwarfs the number of voluntary abortions.  Why isn’t the world outraged?!  Why aren’t our greatest minds focused on this problem.  Why aren’t our brethren like Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Lou Dobbs and Jerry’s son screaming about this?   We must make our actions consistent with our words, before we lose all credibility and the secular world starts calling us the dreaded “H” word – hypocrites. (chorus of gasps) Sorry to use such harsh language, but you know how judgmental those secularists can be.