Landover Baptist is America's Favorite Church!
 CHURCH SEARCH™ | NEWS ARCHIVES | SUBSCRIBE | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | YOUTUBE | HOME PAGE THE LANDOVER BAPTIST GIFT SHOP BELIEFS
HOME PAGE
WHAT'S NEW?
SERMONS
CHURCH STAFF
MINISTRIES
FORUMS
ACTION ALERTS
BIBLE QUIZZES
FILM REVIEWS
BOOK REVIEWS
LADIES CLUB
KIDS KORNER
OUR HISTORY
CHURCH STORE
AUDIO FILES
BIBLE STUDY
GETTING SAVED
FREE GIFTS
AUDIO FILES
READER MAIL
NEWS ARCHIVE 
CULTS
POLITICS 
HOMOSEXUALS
WICCANS
CATHOLICS
CHILD-REARING
GODLY HEALTH
GODLY SEX
DEMONOLOGY
READER MAIL
E-MAIL US

60 Second Sermons

Brother Harry Hardwick - The Bible Answer Man!

Expert Christian Advice

OPINION COLUMN: 

Preserving a Baptist Education for Christian Females in the 21st Century
- BY REV. PROFESSOR, SHERMAN WHIPPLE

Ladies, I Want You to Raise Your Pinky For Me if You've Ever Masturbated!

Rev. Professor Sherman Whipple - Cutting Edge Christian University EducatorRev. Professor Sherman Whipple is a highly sought after Baptist Fellowship educator who will be teaching Marriage and Family 101 for Women this Fall Semester at Landover Baptist University.

“I want every young lady sitting before me today to raise your pinky if you’ve ever masturbated!”  That’s how I intend to start my 'Marriage and Family Class for Women' this Fall semester at Landover Baptist University.  I’ll tell my female students it doesn’t matter which pinky you raise up for me and Jesus. It don't matter to the Lord if it is your Godly right pinky or even your left pinky. Two pinkies are even more precious!

I’ve been preserving the cutting edge of Christian Education for 68-years.  I’m going to approach my fellowship at L.B.U. this Fall semester with Bible based methods that get results!   I’ve taught all over the world, and by the Grace of God, my reputation precedes me.    

After a few of the girls in class raise their pinkies, I’ll say, “Now wiggle them pinkies for Jesus, Girls!  That’s right!  That’s good!

When I see a few of them start wiggling their pinkies, I’ll ask them all to stand up.  I’ll say, “I want every single one of you sinful young ladies in this lecture hall to stand up or I’ll march you right down to the Dean’s Office for lying!”

If any of the girls refuse to stand up, I’ll say, “GET UP OFF YOUR SEATS YOU LIARS! If you ain’t standing up, you are in danger of Hell Fire! If you don’t stand up, I’ll come make you stand up!  I don’t want to see any of you go to HELL!”

When I have them all standing up, I’ll ask them to wiggle their pinkies as fast as they can and look me right in the eyes.  I’ll say, “All my little girls shout:  Pastor Whipple, IT FEELS SO GOOD!”

I’ll  say, “It feels good, does it? Ya’ll are just plain sick!  You ladies are a poor excuse for Christians! You give Jesus a bad name and you make me wanna throw up!

When the girls are still standing up, I’m going ask them to think about what they're doing.  I’m going to give them about a minute to think about it and then say, “If any of you girls are suffering, I want you to know I’m going to do my best to help you, even though you make me and Jesus sick to our stomachs.”

I’ll  ask them to keep standing, look at me directly in my one good eye and shout:  Help me Pastor Whipple!  I want to masturbate!

I’ll be silent for a minute, and make them think I’m contemplating the matter before I say “The only way I can help any of you directly is if you schedule a private appointment with me in my office.”  Then I’ll shush them and tell them all to look up in the sky. “Look up!” I’ll say.  LOOK UP and see if you can see Jesus!   I’ll ask them to shout: “I CAN SEE JESUS!” as an affirmation of their fragile womanly faith.

He can see you TOO!,” I’ll tell them.  “And He just told me ya’ll are a bunch of filthy whores!  I swear on the heat of Hell, you batch of harlots this Fall semester are even dirtier ‘n that old slut, Mary Magdeline!” 

I’ll ask my girls to shut their ignorant female pie-holes and show a man of God  a little respect before asking them what they’re all doing still standing up!  SIT YOUR SIMPLE MINDED SELFISH SINNER'S SOULS DOWN!” I’ll yell at the top of my lungs!  “Ya’ll are disobedient, rebellious woman!  Every one of you deserves to be raped by the horny red razor-spiked tail of Lucifer himself!  If only for the vile filth that spews forth from your adulterous little pouting lips!  By God’s Authority I command each one of you tempestuous little school girl hussies to SHUT YOUR IGNORANT MOUTHS!

When I have them all seated I’ll say, “If any of you stupid Baptist sluts still think you’re smarty pants enough to learn something today, say ‘A-men!’”  If anyone doesn’t say ‘A-men,’ I will march right up to their chair, bend them over my lap, pull down their skirts and panties and spank their naked tender hind sides until they turn a flushed red!  And I won’t bat my one good eye if I hear a whimper come from any of them!

When I’m finished disciplining each rebellious female student, I will return to my podium, wipe the sweat from my long-suffering brow and let my students know that their Godly parents have signed them up for a class they will not soon forget!  “The things you will learn in my class, will stay with you for the rest of your pathetic lives!” I’ll tell them.

You ain’t gonna find a husband if you can’t keep your fingers out of your dirty little hair holes!” I’ll remind them. “I haven’t even started this class yet and all you ugly little Baptist whores can’t wait to run back to your dorm rooms and masturbate to me!  I'm gonna make funny face to ya'll - so look at me now! That's me lookin' crazy! NOW STOP LUSTIN'! 

I’ll be silent for a bit, then I’ll ask them all to bow their worthless heads. “I’m going to pray for ya’ll,” is what I’ll tell them.  “I’m going to pray that Jesus guides my anointed tongue to clean out your dirty parts and enrich your sinful hearts this semester!”

I’ll do a preliminary lecture like this before each Marriage and Family Class.  And I’m thinking about doing one before each class I teach at Landover Baptist University this Fall, including Refutation of Secular Mathematics, Advanced Creation Science/Biology and Baptist American English Literary Theory™.

I’m already thinking about my second preliminary lecture where I’ll begin by asking the ladies what they’re all doing with those curling irons of theirs, because as sure as the Lord is my Savior - I know they ain’t just using them to curl their hair with!

- Rev. Professor, Sherman Whipple

____________________________

ABOUT REV. PROFESSOR SHERMAN WHIPPLE -
L.B.C.'S FELLOWSHIP PROFESSOR - FALL SEMESTER 2010

The Landover Baptist University Board of Reagents is proud to have Rev. Professor Sherman Whipple as a Fellowship Professor this Fall Semester.  He will be teaching four courses a week at Landover Baptist University.

Seats in all of his courses are nearly filled and come on a first come, first served by the Lord basis. Seating room is now limited only to students of Platinum Alumni. 

Rev. Professor Whipple is a world renowned Christian educator. He is an internationally recognized leader in Marriage and Family Education, specializing in the Biblical development of the role of women in Christian marriage.  

Rev. Professor Whipple’s modern teaching methodology makes him one of the most highly sought after Fellowship professors in Southern and Independent Baptist education. 

In addition to teaching the Women’s Marriage and Family course this Fall, Rev. Professor Whipple will also teach Advanced Creation Science/Biology, Refutation of Secular Mathematics, and Biblical American English Literary Theory.  He will also be a guest speaker at several student chapel services this Fall as well as a substitute teacher for Old Testament Scripture Memorization 401 while Professor Sampleson  recovers from surgery in November.

 

Sherman Whipple - Educator, Pastor, Father and Protector of Womanly Virtue

 

 

 

 

 



Souvenir Magic Mormon Underwear from Salt Lake City!  Click Here to Grab Your Pair Today!


Click Here to Visit The Landover Baptist Store - Or Browse Our Sponsors Below!
Crazy Bible Verse Swag
BIBLE WISOM GEAR
See Custom Designed Menstra Shacks!
CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS
Like the Site?  Buy the Book from the Writers of Landover Baptist!
OUR INCREDIBLE BOOK
Click Here for Gear: Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers Shirts and Stickers
Abstinence Makes...
Click for Home Schooling Gear!
HOME SCHOOL GEAR