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CATHOLICISM IN CRISIS!
Millions Of Brave Catholics Wipe the Vomit Off
Their Chins and Begin to Flood the Pews of Baptist Churches!
NATIONAL NEWS
 Landover
Baptist, along with insignificant Baptist churches across
America, has seen an enormous spike in
membership applications, 98.5% of which are from ex-Catholics who are
fleeing their Mother of All Boy-Buggering Church by the millions! "We
are in the process of reviewing individual applications on a first come
basis related to per-capita family household income and the number of
vowels in the applicant's surname," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "It goes
without saying, if you've been blessed with wealth, God likes you,
and we simply don't have room in our church for poor folks the Lord
hates! Praise His Holy Name!"
According to Ticketmaster™, Landover
Baptist church services in all four sanctuaries are completely booked
through 2017 (even some Platinum Level Tithers are reportedly scalping
their tickets for $3,000 a pop!) and there are plans to build a new
worship center in Freehold, Iowa to accommodate the enormous number of
new members coming in from the S.S. Titanic of all faiths, the
Roman Catholic Church. "We're not going to turn these former Mary
Worshippers away if they have a score above 700 with True Christian
Credit™," says Pastor. "We can't afford to in this economy!"
Baptist Church leaders have already put together
a high level introductory comparison guide to acclimate ex-Catholics to
the wholly novel concept of being a Christian. "These folks are going to
be in for quite a shock at first, but I think they will adjust their
expectations and after a few Sundays in our pews, realize that while
their wallets may suffer, their souls will soar now that they are
Baptists!"
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Comparison Guide For Incoming Catholics
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CATHOLIC CHURCH |
BAPTIST CHURCH |
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Priests are not allowed to marry so can only give
sex advice based on experience to child
molesters |
Preachers are allowed to marry and council church
members in marital advice based on their
experience. |
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Priests wear skirts and dresses, skip when
they walk and speak
with a lisp.
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Preachers wear a suit and tie and speak with
a Godly southern accent, just like God.
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Altar boys wear little white dresses and no
underpants and are
there to service the priest
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Baptists don't have transvestites of any kind,
especially underage ones who act as temple
prostitutes! |
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Church services are conducted in an ancient
language called "Latin."
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Church services are
conducted in English (The language in which
Jesus thought and which the Holy
Bible was written).
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Church members confess their sins to an old man
wearing a dress in a dark wooden box called a
"confessional" through an opening large enough
for non-Negro genitals. |
Church members confess their
sins to Jesus Christ directly (who
coincidentally wears a dress).
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Church members are asked to pray to Mary and
so-called, "saints."
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Church members do not pray
to anyone other than Jesus Christ and his
Father, God. And only in times of great
distress, a Bird we call, "The Holy Ghost."
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Services (called "masses") are conducted by step
aerobics, kneeling, standing and sitting. |
Godly Christians™ sit their enormous asses down
and listen to the Word of God! |
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