Freehold, Iowa - "Their faces were very pale, and each of them was carrying a broom," said Officer Spencer. "I just assumed since we haven't had much sun up here lately that they were Landover senior high students headed to the Nursing Home on the Gallows Hill as part of a cleaning crew."

Several hours after the coven of Wiccans had slipped past church security, carefully disguised in the latest fall fashions from Abercrombie and Fitch, blood curdling screams were heard from the top floor of the Landover Baptist Nursing Home on Gallows Hill. When church security officers arrived they found the Wiccans circled around Rev. Jerry Gardner's bed with lit candles in their hands, chanting like demons. "They had stripped themselves of their clothes, and it looked more like the Summer line from Abercrombie than the Fall," said one officer. "So I was still confused for a second until I took a closer look.  I had to cover my mouth at the site of them - gargantuan, pale, pulsing beasts, covered in tattoos, pimples and piercings. The officer standing next to me couldn't contain the ghastly sight, and he threw up on the floor."

Officers threw plastic bags over the Wiccans and wrestled them to the nursing room floor. All total, there were five large beasts, who gave up after a short struggle. "You can't tell what sex Wiccans are because they all wear lipstick and earrings and have huge saggy breasts," said Sergeant Huckle. "Once we get the buggers squatted down onto an old fashioned hiney pole, we'll know more."  Officers threw the Wiccans into the back of Sergeant Huckle's pick-up truck and drove them off to Rev. Henry Wilkins' farm for questioning.  "We'll turn what's left of the bastards over to the Creation Science Research Facility in Mount View," said Huckle. "Rest assured, they won't be bothering Christians, or anyone else for that matter, ever again."

Upon further investigation, Christian Detectives found that the Wiccans had left Lucifer's hoof-prints and piles of their own steaming poop all over the nursing home. "We found dozens of toads peeking their little wart-covered heads out from between the wrinkled lips of elderly and disabled nursing home residents." said Detective Pastor Lawrence. "No doubt to keep them silent with some hellish hex." In addition, two magic wands, a chalice filled with Christian urine, Satanic crystals, and a pentacle with filled with Pain's Balsam Fir Incense were found on the site.

"We normally step up security efforts during the Season of the Witch or as Wiccans secretly call it - Our Master Satan's Birthday," says Pastor, Deacon Fred. "They try sneak onto our Godly church campus, into our church services, and now our nursing homes! I have no doubt it is to collect our sacred blood or kidnap our children or elders for use in their ghastly demonic rituals. I have no doubt they were trying to levitate and transport the body of Jerry Gardner because he is directly related to one of the founders of Wicca - Gerald Gardner. Well, you fat bunch of crazy Wiccans! Mr. Gardner is a Christian now! And he is under the protection of his brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus! So just, shoo!"

Pastor Deacon Fred told parishioners on Sunday that Wiccan hunting permits will be handed out during the first week in October and weekly hunting parties will be sent into Landover Woods every Thursday and Friday night until November 4th. "This incident should frighten the living Hell out of you!" said Pastor.  "Wiccans are in the woods! They're out there, and they'll stop at nothing to mock our faith in Christ and wreak havoc during the weeks leading up to their hoofed master's birthday on Halloween," he said. "Any of you folks living near the perimeter of church property who have children age 5 and up, should load up your shotguns and light your torches each Thursday and Friday night for a fun filled evening of old fashioned Christian fellowship and Wiccan Hunting."

The Nursing Home Incident was kept as a private church matter and will not be released to the local media.  We have printed this internal Baptist Police report here for our church members seeking safety information during the weeks leading up to Halloween.