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Church Announces: "Sarah Palin Week" NATIONAL NEWS: Sarah Palin Week Extravaganza Festivities, Events, and More:
Freehold,
Iowa - Freehold, Schedule of Events:
Sunday 3 P.M. -
Sarah Palin Moose and Elk Meat Alaskan-Style Barbecue.
The buffet will offer all of Sarah Palin's favorite home cooked recipes
including her famous sweet Bear Claw dessert.
5 P.M.
Dedication of the 7 P.M.
Special Sarah Palin Sermon in Main Sanctuary:
"And God Said, It's Time to Put a Pretty Face in
the White House" Pastor Deacon Fred preaching. 9 P.M. Sarah Palin Endangered
Species Pelt Raffle Sister Sarah will raffle off 1,800 sq.
yards of wall-to-wall carpeting for your den or rumpus room made from the
bleached pelts of infant polar bears she has chased around the ice and shot
in the face with a machine gun from the Governor's hovering helicopter. Monday 9 A.M. Sarah
Palin Christian Prayer Breakfast in the
new Cindy McCain Banquet Hall and Pharmacy at the Landover Baptist Resort
and Hotel on Waterwalk Avenue, to the left as you turn right on highway 7 at
the Red Sea World exit. 2 P.M. Sarah
Palin Live Animal Skinning Demonstration.
Church members should bring old or unwanted pets, stray cats or livestock
animals so they can follow along with Sister Sarah and the Landover Ladies
as they perform a step-by-step authentic wilderness animal skinning survival
demonstration on a deer Pastor's limousine pinned up against a pine tree
last night. Everyone will then
have their own clumps of animal flesh and fur as Sarah and her husband, Todd
will teach us later how to stitch together an authentic Eskimo fire-water
pouch. 7 P.M. Sarah
Palin Fashion Show - Sponsored by Wal-
Mart and the 8 P.M.
Sarah Palin addresses the fine Christian ladies of Bringing Integrity
To Christian Homemakers.
Sarah will demonstrate techniques used by the Eskimos in her hometown to get
a child to fall quickly to sleep.
Please bring a rag, some kerosene and a hipflask of vodka. Tuesday
8 A.M. Sarah
Palin Plenary Session - "Rebellious
Children, God's Blessing and Satan's Curse" 10 A.M. Sarah Palin Fertility
Clinic Grand Opening - 18 Soul Winner's Lane between the Chick-fil-A
and the House of Laura Bush Pantsuit Emporium. 2 P.M. Sarah
Palin Tea on the Meadow with Landover
Ladies (discussion will be relegated to making ONLY POSITIVE remarks about
Sister Sarah's children. If in
doubt, a 17-page, single-spaced list of forbidden topics is available as a
guide to the less naturally tactful next to the last ATM to the right in the
main lobby. All copies of this
list must be returned to Pastor for burning before our guest arrives).
7 P.M. Sarah Palin Hour of Imprecatory Prayer
- Church members will dedicate one hour of prayer to all matters concerning
Sister Sarah and against the principalities of darkness who would see any
ill will toward her. A note from our Jewish lawyers: No VOCALIZED
death threats will be permitted.
Wednesday 9 A.M.
Voter's Registration Card Exchange -
Church members drop off free Popeye's Fried Chicken Meals and pick up
voter's registration cards
from poor
families in Des Moines who don't know how to vote correctly 12 P.M.
Sarah Palin Back to School Lunch.
Parents of Saved children age 4-18 will meet their kids for lunch to hear a
special message about Sarah Palin and her views on Creation Science
Education over the intercom, including tales her great-granddaddy told her
about the day he crossed paths with a friendly
Tyrannosaurus
Rex on the way back from the fishing hole. Lunch will consist of Sarah
Palin's Alaskan Salmon recipe, acorn muffins and home made Republican grown
applesauce. 9 P.M. The
Books Sarah Palin and Jesus Want You to Burn
- This annual event was formerly called,
"The
Harry Potter Book Burning" This year we are going to burn all of the
books Sarah Palin hates. See any Christian public school principal in your
district for a full list. Thursday 10 A.M.
Sarah Palin Witnessing Tips and Sarah Palin Recipe Exchange
- The Landover Ladies will hold a session in the West Chapel to discuss ways
to share the message of Christ and Sarah Palin with unsaved friends and
loved ones. Recipes will be exchanged after witnessing methods are
exhausted. 2 P.M. Sarah
Palin Casualwear Line Unveiled at 5 P.M. Sarah
Palin Big Country Diner Opens with
ribbon cutting ceremony on 7 P.M. Sarah
Palin's Favorite Bible Verses - A
teaching sermon in the main sanctuary - Brother Harry Hardwick presenting 9 P.M. Sarah Palin Reprisal and Redemption Dual Ceremony: As most of you know, Heather Hardwick's second scullery maid Lavoris was raped 7 months ago by Jasper Lionel Washingtun. To celebrate the Culture of Life, Sister Sarah Palin will strike the Golden Gavel of Judgment, simultaneously signaling to Mr. Washintun's guard to hang him from the giant sycamore tree -- and for Miss Lavoris' doctor to induce labor. In this glorious moment of righteousness, when both scream the Lord's name in vain and pain, we will see the swift hand of God's judgment at the same time we see the generous hand of His love, as a 13 year-old girl joyously gives birth to her dying rapist's child. Talk about a Kodak moment! Don't miss this Amazing True Christian™ event!
Friday 10 A.M.
Sarah Palin Look-A-Like and Sarah Palin Costume Contest
- This contest serves as a fun Christian
alternative to Halloween and will be held separately in six school
gymnasiums throughout the Freehold, Iowa area. 12 NOON
Mothers of Landover hosts a luncheon to honor
Sarah Palin. Palin's
special address: "Picking a day each month when you will see one of your
children." 3 P.M. Todd
Palin and Levi Johnston Hockey Lessons -
Interested youths will need to sign up a week in advance - The event takes
place at the Landover Baptist Ice Arena in 7 P.M. Sarah
Palin Baptism of the Holy Spirit - Feet Hot For Jesus Pentecostal Revival
- Although not mandatory for Landover Baptist Church members, we will be
sponsoring the event for friends at the Assemblies of God who will allow us
to record "tongues" events for Creation Science research and gag-reel,
belly-laughs for the
Board of
Deacons Retreat later this Fall.
Miss Palin will sing a naughty sea shanty entirely in tongues. Saturday
7 A.M. Sarah Palin Center for Creation Science Research
- Ribbon Cutting Ceremony and Dedication. 10 A.M.
Sarah and Todd Palin Christ-Centered Animal Hunting Tips
- Sarah and Todd will share how their love of the Lord and their love of
killing helpless animals makes for a fantastic spiritual experience.
They will spend an afternoon praying and killing with members of the
Landover Baptist Christian Gun Association. 11: AM
A greased-salmon catch in the main baptism
pool. 12 P.M.
Sarah Palin 2K a Plate Alaskan Lunch -
Limited to 30 Seats, Sarah Palin with be thawing and microwaving her
favorite Hungry Jack ™ meals. 3 P.M. Barack "Sambo" Obama Effigy Burning and
Dedication. Sarah Palin Rifle Range.
Mrs. Palin will light the match at 3:15 PM SHARP! 7 Sunday 9 A.M. Sarah
Palin Themed Morning Church Service -
Sarah Palin's favorite hymns will be sung, her favorite Bible verses read,
10 children of unwed mothers will be rebuked and then baptized, the sermon -
"Sarah Palin is Almost as Popular As Jesus -- and Prettier!" will be
preached by Pastor Deacon Fred. Pastor will close Sarah Palin week
with a benediction thanking God for the gift of Sarah Palin to Christian
America and asking church members to dedicate one day out of each month of
their lives to talking, sharing, believing, hoping and praying about Sarah
Palin.
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2008, Americhrist Ltd.
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