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HALLOWEEN CHAOS!
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Sight of Horrifying Halloween Costume Causes 7 Children to Gouge Their Eyes Out! NATIONAL NEWS: LOCAL JUDGE DECLARES WEARING THIS COSTUME A FELONY!
"Only," said one of the children who had not ripped his eyes out rather than look upon such a hideous sight, "we never would have guessed that even the Devil would -- or could -- be, like, that totally ugly! I mean, how do you lure people to do anything when you look that nasty?" Screams of "It's
a monster!" and "Where
did my eyeball roll to?" brought worried
parents running up from the rumpus room downstairs.
But it was too late.
The hideous gargoyle was already making its
way across the front lawn, leaving behind a room full of crying children and
a deep-pile carpet wet with the ooze of little eyeballs, which had
been popped and crushed in the stampede from the doorway. "Our hearts go out to each family today," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "They remain in our prayers. But I have to say I am pretty darn proud of the newly blind children and the True Christian™ parents who raised them! They followed scripture instinctively and without, pardon the pun, batting an eye! Glory! "And
if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out,
and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members
should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell."
Pastor Deacon Fred continued, "we cannot stress enough that Rev. Williamson, expresses heartfelt regret for wearing that particular costume this year. He tells us from his own hospital bed that he loves children, but the disfigured shape of the mask's face prevented the old man from wearing his glasses underneath. "I knew the costume was creepy," said Rev. Williamson, "but, come on, how could anyone guess the final effect would be that horrible?" Rev. Williamson remains in critical condition at the hospital after being chased across the lawn by angry parents, who, thinking he was a foppish vampire, wrestled him to the gravel driveway and attempted to drive a wooden stake through his heart using a croquet mallet Before a fatal blow could be struck, little Timmy Tomlin, using his Batman cape, hung himself from the Henderson's oak tree, distracting the furious parents long enough to allow Rev. Williamson to limp to safety behind Mrs. Henderson's hydrangeas.
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2008-ROJC, Landover
Baptist Church™.
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"I think that if Rev. Williamson had shown the
costume to someone, perhaps his wife, before he decided to sneak up on the
kiddies, he would have thought twice," said Pastor. "Perhaps he would have
taken that hideous ghoul costume and pitched the abhorrent abomination into
a trash incinerator. I believe his wife would have fainted had she
seen it and it would have saved dozens of families both bawling and
Braille," he continued. "I get shivers down my spine and break into a cold
sweat when I even think about that fiendish vampire costume! It is
absolutely the most terrifying thing I have ever seen in all my years on
this earth, and to put that thing on, run into a room full of children and
scream, 
