|
 NATIONAL FAMILY ACTION
ALERT:
"Wii" is Oriental for: "I
Having Orgasm!"
 Freehold,
Iowa - Decent Christian Americans are thanking God for single Baptist
mother, home school teacher,
and Mike Huckabee
campaigner, Ms. Tawny Huxton, who came home from Wal-Mart
last week to find her teenage daughter, Holly, and her girlfriends laying on
the couch in the family room with their skirts over their heads. When Ms. Huxton approached for a closer look, she could see tiny infra-red beams of light
coming directly out from between each of the young ladies' legs. "I yelled,
WHAT IN THE SWEET NAME OF JESUS?!" Ms. Huxton recalls. "When they
saw me standing there, they screamed and pulled the Wii controllers
I bought Holly for Christmas out from between their legs! Then they tried to hide them under the cushions while
they were fiddling with their skirts."
The next day, while her daughter was at Sunday School, Ms. Huxton put the wet
controllers in a plastic bag and packaged up the Wii console. She brought
them to Pastor Deacon Fred, who after opening the bag to take a quick whiff,
immediately delivered them to the Landover Baptist Secular Media Research
Laboratory.
"When we confirmed there were vaginal secretions on the video game
controllers, we issued a Yellow Action Alert to Focus on the Family," said
Professor Dr. Donald Rawlings. "We also contacted our Christian friend in
Japan, Masaru Hayate, to see if he could provide us with more details about
the popular Wii video game console. In addition, our researchers started
reviewing Japanimation films and Asian adult videos, searching desperately
for more information."
After several days, researchers were able to confirm what their Christian
intuition had already been telling them. "'Oriental woman use the
exclamation, 'Wii,' when they experience extreme pleasure during a sexual
encounter outside of marriage," Dr. Rawlings reports. "In many cases the
term is also exaggerated or drawn out. For example: 'Wiiiiii!' Our friend in
Japan tells us that Wii consoles and their vibrating controllers are found in brothels, sex-shops, and
gentleman's clubs - or 'strip parlors,' throughout the island of Japan."
"The Japs are at it again," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on
Sunday. "I let President Bush know from the very beginning that he needs to
keep a keen eye on our so-called Asian allies to the East.
They still hold a
grudge against our Christian Nation because Jesus let us blow up their
cities in World War II. We should have seen this coming, since the name of
the console itself is an anagram for WWII. They were just trying to be
fiendishly subtle, by dropping the first 'W' and calling it WII," he said.
"Friends, we can't drop our guard on the Japs.
They used Pokémon to get at
our children in the 90's, and since we were savvy enough to call their bluff
on that nonsense, they began working on another way to destroy our Godly
country from the inside out! The Wii gaming system comes off as neatly
packaged family fun, but the Devil's fingerprints are all over it!"
 Pastor Deacon Fred issued an official press release earlier this week
forbidding the ownership of Wii game consoles by any member of the Landover
Baptist Church or its affiliated ministries. "Ms. Huxton's daughter, Holly,
and her friends will be sent to North Dakota to our
sequestered institution
for Christian Homemakers and
Dementia Ward this Spring," said Pastor. "We
thank God that He has revealed to us what this so-called, "Wii" video game
system is really all about, but someone has to be punished for it," he
further stated. "Young ladies are not like men, the Bible teaches us through
the story of 'Eve,' that their fickle minds are easily led astray by Satan's
trickery. Holly and her friends will be spared further temptation by
spending the next three years in isolation. With no electricity, running
water, or access to anything that fits between their legs, they will have
plenty of time to think about what they did to soil
their mother's
reputation and drag our congregation's good name through the mud!
Don't Let Your Children Make Jesus Angry!
Learn which games and systems are approved by our loving
Lord by visiting our educational Baptist technology links Below:
 How
to Win Souls to Christ in The World of Warcraft
"I really like our guild leader," says young Billy
Houston. "He has a strict policy against letting unsaved people join our
group. I think he's from
Alabama in
real life. In fact, he won't even party-up with anyone who isn't a
Christian. He's a level 60 Priest, and gets a lot of respect."
Read More>
 Is
the X-Box 360 Cooler Than Jesus?
"I've been faced with some tough questions in the
past, son - but the solution to your dilemma is quite simple. Creation
Scientists here at Landover Baptist Church have been studying the Xbox 360
for several months (before it was even released to the general public)."
More>
 Unleash
Unreal Tournament Bible Based Maps and Characters Upon the Unsaved World!
Landover Youth, Timothy Huxton is certainly using
the gifts God gave him to be a missionary and spread the Good News to the
four-eyed geeks that play this nonsense -that when it comes to angry killing
machines, nothing beats the Lord Jesus!
Read More>
 The
One True World of Warcraft Christian Guild Charter
Convert or Die is a World of Warcraft Alliance Guild
on the Gaping Orifice server. The guild was formed in the year of our Lord
06-06-06
by concerned Christian students at the Landover Baptist Junior High School
Academy for the Saved.
Read More>
Text Copyright
2008, Americhrist Ltd.
All rights reserved. Terms
of Service
The
Landover Baptist Church website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18
|
