Freehold, Iowa - Most Americans are too busy worrying about how much Britney Spears had to drink last night to fret about researching the backgrounds of the Presidential candidates they might vote for. True Christians™ however, are rejoicing for America's lack of interest in politics, since it means that church going folks will determine yet again who spends the next four years in the White House. "Pastor Huckabee is one of the nicest men you will ever meet," Deacon Fred told a crowd of fellow Iowans last week. "And that's really all American voters who are undecided, need to know.  Because if they knew any more than that, they'd pee their pants and run screaming for their lives!"  Deacon Fred believes that by this time next year, Americans will find themselves living in a country being run by a Southern Baptist Preacher named, Mike Huckabee. "Rev. Huckabee is a Fundamentalist, Evangelical, Republican, Old Time Gospel preacher from the deep south who hates homosexuals, the Theory of Evolution, lazy colored folks, liberals, abortion doctors, and loves the Baby Jesus just as much as I do," he said. "He is on top of the polls, and Americans love him! I thought the media would get upset if someone told them that homosexuals should be shipped off to live on an island far away from normal people! Well, I was wrong! Pastor Huckabee knows what Americans really think, and he sure as heck ain't afraid to say it!  The media even gives the good Pastor prime spots on major talk shows! Praise! Glory to God for brother in Christ, Pastor/President Mike Huckabee! And thank you, American voters, for doing right by God."

Pastor/President Huckabee promised his brothers and sisters in Jesus back in 1998 at a meeting of Southern Baptist Preachers that the true reason he left the pulpit for politics is that God wants him to take this nation back for Jesus Christ. Sound too good to be true? Let the facts speak for themselves. "We're praying that once Pastor Huckabee takes office, God willing, he'll focus on jump-starting a long overdue Armageddon and get the United States back on track with Baby Jesus," says Deacon Fred. "America is a Christian Nation, and if you ain't a Christian, you'd best start looking for another place to live, because we're tired of putting up with your nonsense! And Pastor Huckabee won't stand for it either, because the Bible commands him not to!  Glory!"

As True Christian™ voters, we've gathered a list of all of Pastor/President Mike Huckabee's beliefs and placed them below. Please feel free to spread the good news of Jesus Christ and Pastor/President Huckabee to your family and friends so they know without a doubt who God wants them to put into the White House for the upcoming election.

1. He believes that people who don't have a belief in God are immoral human beings, irresponsible, and that they engage in destructive behavior.
2. He believes that allowing gays to marry will lead to the end of civilization.
3. He believes that homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, sinful lifestyle and a dangerous public health risk, and that sodomites should be isolated.
4. He believes that teachers should carry paddles and rule the hallways of our public schools.
5. He believes that environmentalists are pornographers.
6. He believes that homosexuality, necrophilia (sex with dead people), and pedophilia (sex with little children) are the same thing.
7. He believes that the United States is divided between people of faith, and secularists and that the secularists are an immediate threat to the nation.
8. He believes that the Constitution should be rewritten to constitutionally ban abortion and gay marriage.
9. He believes that women should not be allowed to serve in combat, and that gays should not be allowed in the military.
10. He believes that students attending public schools should be taught Creation Science.
11. He believes that Jesus Christ is directly responsible for his success in politics.
12. He believes that his primary responsibilty on this Earth is to serve Jesus Christ. Jesus comes before family, and before country (but no conflict there, since this is a Christian nation).
13. He believes that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, is the Son of God, and is fully God and fully man.
14. He believes that everyone who doesn't accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior will be sent to a Lake of Fire (or a giant furnace - God's choice of torture) where they will burn and be tortured for eternity.
15. He believes that the Holy Bible was written by God Almighty and that anyone who adds or takes away from the Bible, so be the tortures and horrors written therein added unto them as they struggle to live their miserable lives.

• Luke Ehersman Blog
• Huffington Post
• Election Central
• Kerfuffles Blogsome
• Daily Kos