This Year's Annual List of Banned Christmas Toys

It is no laughing matter, but this holiday season, Satan's shopping list of Christmas gifts will have Jesus pitching millions of screaming selfish children into the Lake of Fire!  The following Christmas toys are banned from purchase.  Be warned:  If one of these items is found in your home or on your person,  then you'll have to find yourself another place to worship, for you are no longer welcome at this Godly church.  

Note:  Read disgusting secular lies about each of these items at Amazon.com by clicking the links. And if the Lord leads you, glorify His Holy name by purchasing one and burning it after your child opens it on Christmas morning to teach the little sissy what it means to be a True Christian™!

The Homo Try-Out Chair - Parents beware! This is the latest college trend!  Sweet Christian boys who are off to school and joining a fraternity or football team will be asked to sit in one of these so-called, "seats" within the first week of school!  They were initially designed by coaches of college football teams who saw that their naked players found wooden benches too uncomfortable for the post-game shimmy-shammy's. Their sweaty hind-sides would shuffle so fast while getting skeetered after games, they'd end up with rumps full of splinters! Yes! It's true! Now conservative fraternity boys at every major University in America are using these "game chairs" to play Lucifer’s most dangerous game! And that game is called:  "Spin the bottle on your hind-side's orientalation " We understand that frat boys and jocks start "try outs" by inviting a manly friend over to play the video game, "Jonathan Madden 2008."  (Christians please note: "Jonathan" is a code word for "skivvy winker")While the unsuspecting guest is seated in the chair, the "Shimmy Patrol" (as they call themselves) enters a secret cheat code into the game console. This code opens up a hidden locker room in Madden 2008 for step-by-step instructions on how to use the so-called, Homo Try-Out Chair. What happens next is too perverse to put into words!   Needless to say, if the "try-out" is successful, the Shimmy Patrol will then teach the new light-loafered boy how to view any player in the NFL completely nude with a 360 degree camera rotation and a "zoom" feature called, "Extreme Tight End."  We never thought it would come to this, but parents must understand that if your Christian boy is into sports, working out, Madden video games, fraternities, friends named, "Jonathan," and even the most manliest of activities - be aware that these are all gateways that could very well have your child deciding to take up the pastime of being a damned homo! Just because of peer pressure and wanting to be "cool."  Do not let your boy sit in one of these chairs! Even if you're Christmas shopping together at Sears! Spank his back-side firmly, grab him by the right ear, and move along! 

Guitar Hero: Satan's World Tour - Creation Science teaches us that any music faster than 4x4 time in rhythm belongs to Satan.  Baptists learn as early as kindergarten that Lucifer was God's favorite angel because he used to be the maestro up in Heaven.  Lucifer's gift was music. It is the dark master's specialty.  Many Christian parents will be tempted to purchase this video game for their children because they will plead:  "it's cool," or "all my friends have it!" Stand firm! The music plays so fast on this video game, Satan's head would cackle and spin with delight! What's worse is that this new gaming craze has kiddies utilizing their fingers and developing muscles in places the good Lord never intended - like on their sweet, innocent little knuckles! Creation Scientists have informed us that the twisted, lumpy, bulge-like muscles your child will develop on his knuckles while playing Guitar Hero is a tell-tale sign that he is ready to entertain himself with the real talent Guitar Hero was actually developed for.  It's called, "speed jacking." And it is a dangerous form of self abuse we are well aware of.  When accompanied by a can of Red Bull, "speed-jacking" can lead to elongation, flushed purpling, rosy tip, and permanent hardening of the human tallywhacker!  Full Details of Speed Jacking Research for Concerned Christian Parents Here!>

Hyper Dash For Up to Five Hoochies - Lucifer loves bright colors because he knows little children swarm to them like moths to an expensive fluorescent deck light. But unlike moths, children who play "Hyper Dash" will pitched directly into the deepest pits of Hell by our loving Lord, Jesus Christ, where they will pop and burst into flames repeatedly for all eternity! To God be the Glory!  "Hyper Dash," is a deceptive game that liberal Montessori school teachers say is designed to improve listening, coordination and math skills - all of which have no business in a Republican Christian home!  If you look at this game through the eyes of our sweet savior, Jesus Christ, it becomes quite clear that it is indoctrinating children at a very early age (especially boys) that it is "A-OK" for them to seek up to 5 hooch holes!  They might not realize it while they are playing the game as a child, but the analogy will stick with them to adulthood. Do you want your son to have 5 wives? This game sounds like it was designed for Mormon boys. Well, we're having none of it here in this Baptist church!  In addition, the alarming number of colors on the hooch shaped objects are a subtle way of seducing innocent Christian children to seek partners outside of their own race, which any person with a cursory knowledge of the Bible knows is absolutely displeasing to the Lord Jesus Christ.  For those of you Bible illiterate nin-com-poops who rarely crack open the word of God, read:  Deuteronomy 7:1-6.

Colored Love Interest Doll for Barbie! - Liberals have no shame. Since Americans accidentally elected a half-black as their next President, the folks at Hasbro thought it would be cute to create a so-called, "African American" Ken Doll to date our beloved, lily-white Barbie.  In doing so, the toy company, Hasbro, has committed a VICSIOUS HATE CRIME against True Bible Believing Christians™!  God commands his followers in 2 Corinthians 6: 14 - to "Be Not Unequally Yoked!" This means white folks are NOT to marry unequal races.  The disgusting product of such a union is the abomination of desolation! An Anti-Christ! Your child doesn't need a colored Ken Doll to remind you that America just voted for the Devil's son as their next President! Liberals will try anything! And making "the last days" fashionable and appealing to children is just absolutely hateful!  

Don't Tickle Elmo There! - No matter how hard we pray, the demon Elmo won't go away.  We can never stress enough that this seemingly innocent toy - if invited into your Christian home, will open up the very gates of Hell, tearing your family apart, destroying relationships, and leaving you with nothing but a few pieces of red felt.  If you or anyone in your immediate family possesses this toy - heed this warning at least:  Do not let your child's little fingers find their way between the hairy nape betwixt the legs of this hellish beast! The tiny red testicles and fuzzy little rump on the demon, Elmo will twitch and spasm! Instead of letting out a giggle to quell the curiosity of an innocent Christian child, the hairy creature goes into convulsions and moans in a suggestive and lewd manner, squirting warm yogurt (not included) into your sweet child's face.  Read the Findings of our $2.5 M Tax Deductible Decade Long Study Investigating the Perverted Secret Areas Where Christian Children Should NOT Tickle ELMO!>

Wii: The Video Sex Game System - It is awfully convenient for unsaved mommies and daddies to purchase the Wii system for their children based on it's popularity, all the while knowing the console doubles as the most deviant sex toy to grace society since the Silver Coated, Triple-Jointed, Silicone Self-Lubricating Anal Interrupter™.  We've been informed that after using your well invested U.S. tax dollars to conduct years of Baptist research, involving young Japanese females - captured, constrained and cared for by Christ in the Landover Baptist Cloistered Center for the Study of Eastern Sexual Deviance that the phrase, "Wii" is is a short way of saying, "My Got, o bay bee me like E you beg dink 2 much, make a me fee so goot." The translation of which is still not understood completely. Full Details of Research Findings Here>

Little Big Planet of Sissy Boys - It took a pack of prancing English homosexual game designers over 2 years to find a way to make a tiny demon appealing to children.  And in the end, they simply put a burlap sack over his hellish head!  Now poor Christian children can run amuck in a make-believe world without adult supervision where Satan's most deceptive tools: "creativity and teamwork" are utilized to brainwash your innocent child into becoming an unproductive, hopping little hell-bound Nancy boy whose sole purpose in life is to paste lewd stickers that point the way to Hell onto everything they see. 

Special Notice to Church Members Regarding this List

Although we would love to see production halted on literally thousands of secular Christmas gifts, that time has not yet come. God willing, our True Christian™ President, George W. Bush will usher in that perfect world during his last few days in office. Until then, we are providing you with the above list of the most dangerous and demonic Christmas gifts ever conceived by man. 

Pending lawsuits exist between Landover Baptist and the manufacturing agency of each of the gifts listed above. These objects have harmed one or more members of our church in the last year and have caused a great division within the body of Christ.  We ask for your patience until we see the toy makers thrown in jail.

Anyone caught using any of the products listed above is subject to the fines and termination guidelines found on pages 874-900 of the Landover Baptist Rules and Regulations Manual for the Freehold, Iowa True Christian™ Community.

Please note:  If you click on a graphic or link to any of the items above, you will be taken to the Jew-run, Amazon.com where you can laugh till the cows come home, while reading deceptive lies by so-called, "experts," about each item. We ask that you then put on the full armor of Christ and purchase and burn one of these items on Christmas morning as sign of your commitment to our precious savior, Jesus Christ.  Also, at your convenience please pray for people to who actually purchase and use these items to find Jesus and get saved

  Read Last Year's List of Banned Toys by Clicking Here

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