Freehold, Iowa - During a shocking testimony last week, 82-year old, Rev. Timothy Fred Smith, shared with church members the details of his long struggle with homosexuality. "I had a very serious addiction to the smash 80's hit TV series, Magnum PI," he explained. "Before my son, Deacon Fred, burned them all in front of my grandchildren, I had every single original episode recorded on Betamax.  Now with the advent of DVD,  my son tells me that my embarrassing temptation has returned," said Rev. Smith. "So, I am standing before you today to tell you that I have snuck into the upstairs attic of my son's house where I now live, on countless occasions to watch Magnum PI DVD's that my old friends at the retirement center had smuggled out for me on the Landover Baptist black market.  Needless to say, my son found out - and I'm up here giving my testimony about it today or I'm told I have to find another place to live.  Friends, I am sorry for what I have done, and I'd like to say I am sorry to have reported all of my elderly friends, but it was God's will and it is for the better. My son tells me that my advice to those of you here today struggling with this same temptation is to keep praying at night!  Don't stop praying until you fall asleep and your last words are: Save me, Jesus! "

Rev. Timothy Fred Smith explained to the congregation that "choosing to become a damned homo," was the furthest thing from his mind.  "It never occurred to me that Thomas Magnum was raising his eyebrows (pictured above-right) and winking at me during the introduction of each episode because he was in on the gig!   My Pastor and dear son, Deacon Fred, explained everything to me.  He made it perfectly clear that I had to agree that it was Magnum's goal was to turn me into a hell-bound Sodomite by watching his TV show,  Brothers and sisters, I never told a soul about this until after my son discovered my Betamax collection.  I hid it from everyone! I tried to hide it from him, but the little rascal can sniff out sin a mile away, even if it smells like musk and mildew!  I am publically shamed!   I am sorry for the embarrassment this has caused my family, especially my grandson, who now calls me a "pervert." Please forgive me!  I want my life back!

After Grandpa Smith's testimony, Pastor Deacon Fred told the congregation that the 24-hour "Help me Jesus" lines will soon be lit up with incredible stories like this. "The Jewish folks in Hollywood recently released season 8 of Magnum PI on DVD, and innocent young Baptist boys and even older grandparents can sit in their beds and watch streaming episodes of Magnum PI on Netflix without Pastoral supervision!" he warned. "We expect to be hounded with pleas from young men who take up an interest in promiscuous old television programs like Magnum and become confused about their sexuality."

"Classified Creation Science research teaches us that Tom Selleck is a gay behavioral catalyst," says Landover Doctor, Jonathan Edwards.  "We have readied ourselves at the behest of Pastor Deacon Fred, to support men who are confronted with the first sensations of forbidden lust. Our classified research indicates that after viewing an episode of Magnum PI, even as early as the first 10 seconds, the fragile minds of most young men lean toward "hankering with the notion of a little light sodomy."

It is a fact that spiritually aware Christian parents and educators were warning young boys about Magnum PI since it first aired in the early 1980's. "One doesn't need a degree in Evangelical Psychology to spot a homo," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "You can see the truth about Magnum, by just having a quick look at him.
He is a handsome man with a mustache. We know that gays were given to adorn themselves with facial hair residing above the upper lip in those days. Several years ago we found out why some Sodomites wear mustaches, but we can't talk about that while Godly Christian ladies and innocent children are present."

Since the advent of DVD, countless coyly packaged television programs are being released to a new generation. "Our research into the causes of Homosexuality gives us the authority to share years of experience," says Dr. Edwards. "We can hopefully prevent unsuspecting young men from making video rental decisions that might turn them into fancy-footed, limp-wristed, homosexuals."

"Our Doctors tell me there are lots more old TV shows that encourage folks to take up the gay lifestyle," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "Simon on Simon comes to mind, but by far, Magnum PI is without question the most effective. If you have any doubt, just visit your local CVS Pharmacy and see what the most popular brand of condom covering is named. You guessed it! MAGNUM!" After years of research, Baptist Psychologists have concluded that the entire Magnum PI television series was created for the sole purpose of causing and recruiting homosexuals with the ultimate goal of desensitizing unsuspecting viewers. "I'm not easily fooled," says Pastor. "I watched the program for 10-minutes by myself when it first aired on a lovely fall evening shortly after 9 P.M. September 14th, 1980 and concluded it was about four gay men living in a mansion. I tried to warn Christian Americans about it back then, but they just kept watching. And now look at the mess we're all in! Homosexuals are teaching in our schools, holding public office, and even getting married! And I believe Magnum PI has a heck of a lot to do with it! Friends, it is only a matter of time before God gets so irritated with us for not doing anything about all of this, that he blows up the United States like he blew up Sodom!  We need to listen to Jesus!  And Jesus tells us countless times in the Holy Bible that His Daddy doesn't like having to sit up there in Heaven watching man-on-man sex all day!"

As a public service, Landover Baptist will use your tax dollars as a tax exempt organization to continue their research.  "If that means we've got to have lab full of young men with wires hooked up to their testicles while they watch episode after episode of Magnum PI, in a dark room, then so be it!" says Pastor Deacon Fred. "Our Baptist Doctors and Researchers spend tearful hours sitting bed-side and monitoring the genitals of these poor young men because they care deeply about their eternal fate. If you care about what Magnum PI is doing to a new generation of American boys and grandparents who have streaming access to entire television programs from the 1970's and 80's, and if you love the United States of America, then please send a love gift of $5000 or more to:

Landover Baptist Church
Homosexual Reparative Ward
Retro-Television Research Division
c/o Wexler Offshore Holdings, Bahamas
777 Soulwinner's Lane
Freehold, Iowa